Dead To Me

My family moved from Gallup, New Mexico to New York City when I was two years old. I don’t remember much from that age except for that my cousin Taylor and I had a connection from birth. She was born just one year before me. We spent our toddler years together. We learned how to walk together, took naps and cried together. At the age of two I didn’t care leaving her behind in New Mexico.

I first visited my family in New Mexico when I was 6 years old. I was excited to see my Grandmother, Uncle but most of all to see Taylor. We spent every day together. We played outside, ran around the park, went to the pool and ate every meal together. That trip felt so fast in my young mind. I was upset when it was time to leave, I even cried. I cared when I left Taylor behind in New Mexico.

It was years until my family took a trip back to Gallup again. I was thirteen years old and just graduated from middle school. I was so excited to see Taylor since she had just finished her freshman year and could give me advice on high school.

My family landed in New Mexico at two in the morning. My uncle picked us up from the airport and took us to my grandmother’s house where she and my cousins lived. My uncle was the only person who knew we were coming to visit so when we knocked on the door and my grandmother answered she was flooded with emotions. A mix of confusion and shock rushed through her body as she hugged all of us with salty tears running down her face.

Taylor woke up from the noise we all made at the front door. She came out her room, tired and groggy. She rubbed the sleep from her eyes and gained a surge of energy once she saw us.

We spent that entire night talking and catching up. Instantly clicked again like I had never left. We fell asleep in the living room losing track of time with our long conversation. The next morning we began to plan out the whole two weeks we had together. Time flashed as we did our classic swimming, playground, video games and spending time with family. We spoke on serious topics like school and graduating since we would be the first in our family to do so. We grew as people together. She was my best friend and gave me advice with whatever I needed while never judging me.

Time slowed down the last night my family and I stayed there. Me and Taylor decided to go to Dairy Queen to hang out on my last day. The air was cool and thick. The atmosphere was dead silent and the two light posts dimly lit the dirt path we walked to get to the main road. My throat felt dry, and every step I took was harder than the previous. My mind filled with fear of losing Taylor or contact with my family in New Mexico. Taylor and I were uncomfortably quiet until we arrived at the fast food restaurant.

“You okay?” she asked while we waited in line.

“Yeah” I said hesitantly. “What are you gonna get?” I said in an attempt to take my mind off things. Taylor answered but I couldn’t hear her. My mind felt soggy like a bowl of cereal left out for too long.

“And for you?” the cashier said. I fell back into reality and ordered a vanilla ice cream cone.

Taylor and I got our food and went to sit in the parking lot on a stoop meant for parking.  Taylor began to unwrap her ice cream sandwich, the crinkles of the plastic rang throughout my head while my hand began to get cold from holding my ice cream cone.

“ I don’t wanna go home tomorrow” I said to my cousin Taylor while the vanilla ice cream cone began to melt in my hand. Taylor looked at me while she bit into her ice cream sandwich.

“C’mon Jay” she said with a full mouth of chocolate sugary goodness. “ I don’t want you to leave either, but it is the last night your here so let’s have fun.” She took another bite. I felt the vanilla ice cream from my cone begin to drip down my hand toward my wrist as I looked into the dark cloudless sky.

“ Okay Tay but what if we don’t keep in contact? What if it’s years before I see you again? What if-” she cut me off.

“Jeremiah,” she said, “you know we will keep in contact. Now can we please just have fun” I felt drops of vanilla ice cream fall from my cone to my wrist to my leg. I felt motionless in a mind full of thoughts, but through it all I had my best friend Taylor to calm me down. I finally let go and spent the rest of the night having fun as we planned to.

The next morning my uncle drove my family to the airport. Before we left we said our goodbyes. Taylor began to cry as we hugged and went our separate ways. I was scared to leave Taylor behind in New Mexico.

Nevertheless I tried to stay positive and made my way home. Taylor and I kept in contact for a while after I returned home. We would call and text each other to share our stories and update each other on our lives like we would when we were together. As months passed by we slowly stopped talking more and more. I would still reach out and leave her messages. I received nothing in return.

One day after school I walked home and heard my mom on the phone with my grandmother. The conversation felt tense as I saw my mother’s facial expressions and heard her speak in her so-called ‘serious’ voice. I tried my best to eavesdrop but my mother didn’t say much. I waited all day to ask her what happened.

“Ma, is everything okay?’ I asked hours later. She took a deep breath slowly exhaling with her eyes closed. My heart began to race but time slowed down. My body felt cold like my hand  the night I ate ice cream with Taylor.

“Taylor dropped out of school and ran away with her boyfriend.” My mother said in a choked up voice. My legs weakened as I took a seat to try and understand what I had just been told. My body began to heat up, melting away sadness for anger. I thought of all the conversations Taylor and I had and felt angry that she made the decision she did. I ran to my room and grabbed my phone.

‘Taylor’ I began to type in our mobile conversation ‘what are you doing? Are you crazy?’ I kept typing until I realized. 35 messages I sent before the one I was typing that had no reply. What would be different now? Why would she reply now? She wouldn’t. I lost my bestfriend. I felt motionless in a mind full of thoughts with no one to help me. I promised myself day to complete all the goals Taylor and I made, but for me.

I woke up on the day of my graduation day feeling bitter sweet. I was the first person in my family to graduate from high school. It felt good but felt wrong since it was supposed to be Taylor. I stood in bed indecisive on whether to get up or not. I got up realizing that I had people alive and well that I had made proud. I stood up and got dressed realizing I lost my best friend but found myself in the process. I was proud to accomplish what we had to set out to do, but never did I think Taylor would be dead to me.

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